I Am Mentally Ill.

I am mentally ill. I don’t have any doubts about this. I mean, it’s self-evident. (And it runs in the family.) So why is it I can’t make this kind of declaration without catching a bunch of shit from other people about it? Is this really a matter of opinion? Is it something that’s up for debate?

I’m dumbfounded by the amount of resistance and lack of understanding I experience around mental/emotional illness. It’s ridiculous, unnecessary, and embarassing. Not to mention counter-productive. I get a lot of resistance from people around this; no doubt from the stigma attached to it. Uttering the phrase itself is akin to a spouting off the raunchiest of filthy words in the middle of a church service. Seeing people’s reactions to my discussions about being with mental illness is similar to how I remember reacting to other kids swearing/cursing when I was growing up. “You can’t say that!” I’d say, getting indignant, mad, and nervous. I was being neurotic. How fitting is it then that our national cultural conversation around mental illness itself would seem to be just as neurotic. Like nervous old ladies warding off curses.

“You shouldn’t say that about yourself,” said one family member to me last year. Instead inquiring as to what’s going on, I got shushed. I’ve since lowered my expectations of other people’s ability to deal with this kind of stuff. They seem at best unprepared. So when people ask me “How are you?” I don’t want to tell them the truth because their response is no doubt going to be about as fulfilling as eating air. Now I tend to just avoid people. I have no question this is the experience of many other people suffering mentally/emotionally. This is where mental illness become social illness.

Resistance. Dismissal. Negation. Ignorance. Contradiction. Pat advice and platitudes. It’s enough to make the head spin (as if it weren’t a raging maelstrom of despair and confusion in here already).

I can tell you that after many years of listening to what other people (experts, doctors, family, friends, etc. ) have to say on the matter of living life well (including mental/emotional/spiritual wellness) I’ve concluded that most people don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about; myself included. We literally have no idea what we’re saying. Once you begin to understand the power of words and their effect on the mind, (and by extension emotions, spirit, and ultimately, body) you begin to appreciate how dangerous that is. We’re just repeating stuff we picked up along the way without a grasp on the core meaning behind the words and catch phrases we rattle off. It’s a matter of voicing opinions on matters we know nothing about, which is perhaps itself driven by a pathological need to look like we’re in control… all the while thinking we’re helping when we’re just perpetuating the madness.

Fortunately there are people and groups equipped to deal with mental illness. I’ve used some of these resources over the years and they’ve had various levels of effectiveness and efficiency. I believe insufficient diagnosis of my condition has waylaid my recovery. I believe I’ve focused on treating symptoms rather than causes. Right now I feel I am on the right track.

So I wanted to get on here and state for the record: at this very moment in time I am mentally fucked up. Again, the condition(s) giving rise to this conclusion are self-evident to me. I’m not living the life I want to live. I’m not behaving, thinking, or feeling the way that I’d like to. These are conditions of the mind – the domain connecting the abstract and concrete. That’s my evidence.

So if you engage me in conversation on the matter please listen. Otherwise let’s not waste each others’ time.  Please intend to understand. Depth of relating requires depth of understanding, preceded by inquiry and thoughtfulness.

I’ll write about what I’m doing about all of this shortly…