Being Dishonest with Myself.

Self-honesty eludes me. I have been such a liar to myself that my self-dishonesty is nearly indiscernible. It’s unreal – literally.

Open These Eyes

Earlier this week I asked that which listens for a miracle. I received one in the unlikely form of one chef Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay has a reality television show named Kitchen Nightmares where the outspoken chef attempts to save restaurants from going under. I happened to catch a rerun on Fox late last night.

Last night’s rerun episode, “The Black Pearl” (viewable on Fox’s website here) , featured a (now defunct) New York City, New England-style lobster shack restaurant named “The Black Pearl.” Three men co-owned and operated the restaurant. One of the co-owners possessed a demeanor I found – for lack of a better term – distasteful.  The man resisted change and questioned Ramsay’s suggestions repeatedly along the way, seemingly for the sake of disagreeing. He seemed to struggle to maintain control, for whatever reason, even though his seafood restaurant sank. His attitude was, in my opinion, awful.

A strange and uncomfortable thing occurred in me as the show progressed. I began to identify with this guy and his baneful way of being. God help me. I saw this man and the way he behaved and I said to myself “Wow, and there it is. There I am.” A tough pill to swallow. My eyes were opened.

Ramsay confronted the man at the close of the show, accusing him of having no passion, being soulless and ungrateful, and of being in the restaurant for the money. Ramsay asserted his participation in the restaurant hurt the business, and his motivation for opening it was wrong-headed. The man became defensive and began intentionally disrespecting Ramsay. “So what?” said the man. I had just days before spouted off the same kind of ridiculousness to a friend trying to help me. In retrospect it seems a desperate attempt to keep my head above the borderline of my personal sea of bullshit. I’m up to my eyes in the stuff. Compulsively. Reacting. Uncontrollably. Again, God help me.

Holier Than Thou

What I took away from this whole thing is this guy believed his being right to be of primary importance. I realized that in all likelihood the restaurant would go down as a result of this guy’s ego, arrogance, and pride. (Note: The restaurant has since closed.) The Black Pearl’s stakeholders would suffer. And even though the Black Pearl and it’s drama had nothing to do with me directly, I found myself feeling bad about the whole thing. “What a waste,” I thought to myself.

A feeling of disappointment buzzed in me while I pondered the mysterious connection between what I saw in this man and what I saw in myself. What was it? What did we share in common? What was going on? Self-loathing? Control? Deception?

Liar. That’s what Ramsay called him. A liar. That’s a heavy charge. He was right. The man lied during the show (about serving Maine lobster when they were in fact Canadian lobster). He lied so much he believed himself; full of shit – that’s what chef Ramsay implied in his colorful feedback.

I respect Gordon Ramsay (the way I respect Donald Trump). I admire his power, straightforwardness, and assertiveness. And he cares – even if he does get bloody mad at times. Here I am, effectively through projective-identification, getting the benefit of a one-on-one reality check from this guy I hear, without having to deal with the full-on face-to-face confrontation and accompanying unbearable ego-assaulting discomfort. Pretty lucky actually.

So I’m a liar. Lying to myself. Drowning in a deluge of delusion. Now what?

Stop lying to myself. Simple enough.

Become Honest Again

Are you kidding? I’ve been doing this for how long and didn’t even get the slightest bit of impact of it’s effects on my life and the lives of others dependent on me until 24 hours ago – as a seemingly random epiphany no less – and I’m suppose to just flip the switch and stop? I can barely detect when I’m doing it and when I do there is something missing – volition perhaps. I have to find out more about this self-dishonesty business.

So I set myself to go online and search: “How to be honest with yourself.” Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? This is serious business. It’s been so long I’ve lost touch with my self-referential reality. I seek direction. I will learn more about honesty and lying.

Dirty, sticky, nasty business but it’s time to dig in and start doing some house cleaning. Wish me luck.